You have heard many things of that great sword Excalibur but have you ever heard of its Irish cousin Excalibrogue? Now unlike his cousin Excalibur, Excalibrogue was a singing sword.
The sword was taken up by the future king of Ireland. As in his cousin's tale, Excalibrogue led his bearer Aaron to many great victories. Unfortunately for history's sake one night Aaron left the sword too close to the fire.
After that Excalibrogues song was off key and things started going wrong for poor Aaron. He lost his army. He lost his castles. Finally the devil himself came and stole his last cent.
Aaron turned to the sword and begged for answers.
The sword said "You should have known there'd be hell to pay ... when I lost my temper."
Who the he11 wants to hear actors talk?
H. M. Warner (1881-1958) , Founder of Warner Brothers, in 1927
The lil' Yuppy was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud." she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?"
"Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop. [Now, now. Let's keep it clean]
~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie.
~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. [I don't have time for this one!]
~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
~ Darn, there go the lights again...
~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! [Oh, I see!]
~ What's this doing here?
~ I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
~ And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
~ Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
~ What do you mean you want a divorce!
~ She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
~ Dang! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?"
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"
(And remember, a chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. )
Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm friggin' bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was friggin' bored, not friggin' stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
To be continued...
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
[Say what? Say what? ]
To be continued...
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
To be continued...
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
De plane! De plane!
A guy was invited to an old friend's home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, ...... 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
Those who stand for nothing fall for anything.
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, ......"I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans ...
-- Bill Clinton, US President, USA TODAY, 11 March 1993, page 2A
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.
-- George Bush, US President
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
(Why do political ads spend so much time on how bad the other guy is? Can't they think of something good about the one they're trying to advertise? )
(Poly = prefix meaning "many", Tick = small blood sucking creature. So "politics" means... )
(A big problem with political jokes: too many of them get elected! )
(PS - watch for hanging chads! )
Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."
My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather.
-- Arab News report
|Never goes away...|
CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
What nationality is Santa Claus?
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
What do they call Santa's helpers?
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde (??), gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"?