To celebrate their 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at Pebble Beach. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."
The wife was hurt but said, "My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Honey, since we're being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met."
The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable liar! How could you? I trusted you! And to think that you've been hitting from the red tees all this time!"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the Disney Studios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a job as a tour guide.
And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer: "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh: "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make a darn good tour guide."
Interviewer: "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh: "Sounds fair."
Interviewer: "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh: "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer: "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."
Josh: "Pluto and Goofy."
Interviewer: "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh: "Sure did."
Interviewer: "Okay, name them."
(My suggestion for that question: "Spot 1. Spot 2. Spot 3. ... spot 99. Spot 100. Spot 101". )
These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears.
"Okay guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really tick these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster ticked off, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks and then 50 lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
INFAMOUS QUOTES OF STATE TROOPERS
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"Just how big were those 'two beers'?"
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.
(I didn't do it!)
A woman asks her husband, "How about going shopping with me?"
"I can't." he says. " I'm having a problem with my eyes."
"Oh? What's the problem?" she asks.
"I can't see myself going to shopping with you."
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.
One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6 AM wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 a.m.!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel."
(Would you like fries with that?)
The other day, Amy and I got into a petty argument. (I say it was petty. She said it was Armageddon.)
As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Amy finally said, "Look... I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
(I thought I was wrong once - but it turned out I was mistaken.)
Subject: Short Story Assignment
The girl was supposed to write a short story, in as few words as possible, for her college class. The instructions were that it had to include something regarding Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?
She is one lass I'd love to meet.
It’s is not, it isn’t ain’t, and it’s it’s, not its, if you mean it is. If you don’t, it’s its. Then too, it’s hers. It isn’t her’s. It isn’t our’s either. It’s ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
– Oxford University Press
Kim, in charge of the personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.
She sent this reply: "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we do have a few alcoholics."
Alice was asked to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale.
It slipped her mind until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
In a panic, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom, a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church
Alice then gave her daughter some money and instructions to be at the sale the minute it opened, to buy that cake (whatever the cost) and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, Alice's attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
A couple of days later Alice was invited to a friend's home where the ladies group was playing bridge.
After the game a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get off her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair with total relief when she heard the hostess say proudly, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
To expect defeat is nine-tenths of defeat itself.
To be great is to be misunderstood.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools . . . "
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.!
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her......."While you're in there, you might as well get my hat."
(BTW, what was it that I was in here after?)
During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.
The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."
Amanpreet was talking to his doctor about drinking more water. "Doc, I know you told me to drink more water, but would it be all right if I flavored it with something?"
His doctor asked, "Like what?"
Amanpreet replied, "Like Scotch."
A piece of string walked into a bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender looked the piece of string up and down and replied, "We don't serve your kind in here." The piece of string left.
The next day, the piece of string walked into the same bar and said, "Barkeep! Give me a whiskey!" The bartender scowled and said, "I told you before, we don't serve strings here! Be on your way."
The piece of string went outside, contorted and entangled himself over, under, around and through, then fluffed up his ends. He walked back into the bar and said, "A whiskey kind Sir, if you please."
The bartender looked suspiciously at him and asked, "Aren't you that piece of string that I've kicked out of here before?"
The string replied, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and having the two as close together as possible. (George Burns)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. (Mark Twain)
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. (Mark Twain)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (Groucho Marx)
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. (Jimmy Durante)
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. (Zsa Zsa Gabor)
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.
Citibank and Death
Be sure to cancel your Credit Cards before you die.... This is easy to see happening, customer service being what it is....
My Aunt died this past January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00...now it was somewhere around $60.00
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections"
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death"
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery (### Hwy 129 and plot number given.)
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?
(Guess it's not BARIUM, like here? But that's elementary.)
|Never goes away...|
The hospital that my MIL died in wanted a death certificate when my husband contacted them about her account, part of which was not being filed correctly with Medicaid. I could here him several rooms away! She died in your hospital! Don’t you guys keep copies of your own death certificates?
Cant remembered whether he had to mention her medical chart. But the bottom line was she had no estate to Bill so if they wanted their money they were going to have to figure out their own system.