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Chronic...
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We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage.

His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon."

-----

(Sure, but Sir Francis Drake did even better - he circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. )
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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THOUGHT YOU'D ENJOY THIS!

Take heart, anyone among you who believes he or she is technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin" yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

*****

(To be continued... )
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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My Dad told some one that the any key was the long skinny key that wasn’t labelled!

Having taken a CD out of a floppy drive, in a customer working at the Pentagon’s pc, I believe most all of the jokes about strange calls.
 
Posts: 12605 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Well, just as long as that customer didn't break the cup holder that comes with the computer.
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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It was almost as bad, and we did laugh about that as it was fairly new at the time. Similarly, the discussion about not being able to see if the pc was plugged in because the lights were out!
 
Posts: 12605 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened."
The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse...

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied removing Disk 1 first.

10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

11. And last but not least: TECH SUPPORT: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: " 'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after your monthly boys night out at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100
Broken furniture - $200
Breakfast - $10
Laundry and household services - $160
Saying the right thing - priceless

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus's services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis.

It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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The Newscripts department of Chemical and Engineering News has asked for examples of vanity auto license plates with chemical words or symbols.

One contributor from Colorado remembers seeing BARIUM on the bumper of a hearse.

*****

(That's elementary! number 56)
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Subject: The Meaning of Service

Do You Know The Meaning of "Service"?

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I actually listened to and heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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An enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom that lived in the spooky old mansion house at the edge of town.

When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, moaning and wailing and clanking chains.

"I mean no harm; I just want your photograph," the journalist said bravely.

Pleased at this chance to make headlines, the ghost posed for a number of shots, and the happy journalist rushed back to his darkroom and began developing the photos.

Unfortunately, they turned out to be so underexposed that nothing could be seen in them.

He was distraught, and went to a local pub to drown his sorrows. Meeting his friends there, they asked what was wrong. Not wanting to tell the whole story, he simply explained with a single sentence: ......

"The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak."

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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*****
There once was a family of four skunks. A Mother skunk, a Father skunk and two identical twin baby skunks named Inskunk and Outskunk.

Their parents named them as such because the only way they could tell one from the other was to keep Inskunk inside all the time and Outskunk outside continually except at meal time.

When being fed, Inskunk would be inside to eat and when done Inskunk would go out and Outskunk would come in to eat. After eating Outskunk would go back outside and Inskunk would come back in.

They followed this ritual daily to avoid confusion. One day Mother skunk had to go in to town and left Father skunk to look after Inskunk and Outskunk. As she was leaving she reminded Father skunk not to mix up the two as the last time it took a week to sort out which was which.

Father skunk just replied, "Don't worry dear. I can tell them apart." So off she went. When lunch time arrived Father skunk let Outskunk in to eat without letting Inskunk outside. Mother skunk just happened to come home at that time and was shocked!

"I can't believe you mixed them up again!", she screamed.

Father skunk replied, "They're not mixed up, This is Inskunk and over there is Outskunk!."

Mother Skunk inquired, "How can you be so sure that that is Inskunk and that one is Outskunk?"

"Simple!", said Father Skunk, "Instincts!"

*****

(I didn't write it, I just copy/pasted it! Smile-Big   :D )

*****

But, as one religious skunk said to the other -

Let us spray.

*****

And as the judge said when a skunk wondered into the courtroom - "Odor in the court!"
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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--------------------
WAKE UP YOUR BRAIN

1. How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unable to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper?

2. How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

3. A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

4. Which would you rather have, a trunk full of nickels or a trunk half full of dimes?

5. Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. If they put them all together, how many do they have?

6. In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

7. If the Vice President of the United States should die, who would be President?

8. How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and--without hitting a wall or any other obstruction--have the ball stop and come right back to you?

9. Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS

-------------------------------------------------
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*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
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*
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*

ANSWERS:

1. Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.

2. There are twelve (not four).

3. Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!

4. Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!

5. If they put them all together, there will be one pile.

6. Horse racing.

7. The President.

8. Throw the ball straight up.

9. Sleeplessness
 
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Chronic...
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff.....
..............why didn't he just buy dinner?
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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If corn oil is made from corn...
.........and vegetable oil is made from vegetables...
...........then what is baby oil made from...?

(Not to mention girl scout cookies - just ask Wednesday Addams.)
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Never goes away...
Picture of Reed N D Dark
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Sandie Cookies were always what bothered me!
 
Posts: 12605 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Time flies like an arrow

Fruit flies like a banana
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!

6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.

7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

(About #7 - a person who gets bitten every minute needs more than just a hospital! And this says there are forty such people! Smile-Big   :D )

To be continued...

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.

18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."

(About #12 - when you gotta go you gotta go? )
(About #11 - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. )

To be continued...

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

They are all true. Now go back and think about #16

--------------------

*****

Re 21 - got milk? Let us re-thin this, and paint no more.

Re 23 - so that it could ketchup with the other traffic?

Re 26 - guess they decided it wasn't easy being green.

Now as for #16 - where's Peter Parker when you need him?

*****
 
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Devoted...
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quote:
They are all true. Now go back and think about #16

Now I understand why it is so easy for us to weave those tangled webs.
 
Posts: 5046 | Location: Queensland, Australia | Mbr Since: 05-05-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Wednesday night Jeopardy:

Going into final, John and Tim were tied at 14,200. Melis has 2000.

All three missed the question (well, so did I).

Melis had wagered nothing, was left with the 2000.

Tim had wagered it all, went to zero.

John had wagered it all, went to zero.

LOL!   :lol:
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Picture of Reed N D Dark
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quote:
Originally posted by Henry J:
Wednesday night Jeopardy:

Going into final, John and Tim were tied at 14,200. Melis has 2000.

All three missed the question (well, so did I).

Melis had wagered nothing, was left with the 2000.

Tim had wagered it all, went to zero.

John had wagered it all, went to zero.

LOL!   :lol:


Saw that ... great!
 
Posts: 12605 | Location: Central PA | Mbr Since: 05-14-2017Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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-------------------
Subject: Hillbilly Etiquete

1. Never take a beer to a job interview - any job worth having will already have it stocked.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days, however if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

(To be continued... )

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
Chronic...
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Continued...

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

--------------------

*****
 
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