If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring tears to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
(To be continue)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Politically correct cat definition
My cat does not barf hairballs; he is a floor/rug re-decorator.
My cat does not break things; she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs; they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble; she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch; he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat does not yowl; he is singing off-key.
My cat is not a "shedding machine;" she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile;" she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a bed hog; he is a mattress appreciator.
(To be continued)
My cat is not a chatterbox; she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict; she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a lap fungus; he is bed selective.
My cat is not a pest; she is attention deprived.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter; she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil; she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat; he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic; she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not lazy; he is motivationally challenged.
My cat is not underfoot; she is shepherding me to my next destination, the food dish.
A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
(To be continued... )
(OTOH, I think I resemble some of those remarks!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
(The theory of relativity?)
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
(Uh - what?)
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
(Beauty is in the eye of the low IQ? Is that better than the eye of the beer holder?)
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS"
(Now that's steep!)
There was a panda who went into a restaurant getting a bite to eat. Just as he finished eating and stopped at the door and pulled a gun from his pocket and fired it up in the air... and then walked out the door.
The waiter was confused, and ask the manager who didn't even flinch when the gun went off. The waiter said whats up with the panda the manager says if you look up panda in the dictionary it says Panda - a bear-like mammal that Eats Shoots and Leaves
Students history essays
a few excerts from kids' essays from school
1. The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
2. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
3. Pharao forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
4. Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.
Why golf courses have 18 holes.
I am not a fan of golf, but this does bring up some good points.
Why golf courses have 18 holes.
The following is not intended to offend fans of tennis, basketball, football or baseball. It is, rather, an attempt to put everything in it's proper perspective.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV?
The following truisms may shed some light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30.
The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink.
Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
And Finally a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.
Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.
(OTOH, there's Samuel Clemen's opinion of gold - a long walk ruined.)
The sun was an hour late getting up this monring!
It can buy a house,
But not a home.
It can buy a clock,
But not time
It can buy you a position,
But not respect.
It can buy you a bed,
But not sleep.
It can buy you a book,
But not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine,
But not health.
It can buy you blood,
But not life.
So you see, money isn't everything.
And it often causes pain and suffering.
I tell you this because I am your friend.
And, as your friend, I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!
Send me all your money,
And I will suffer for you!
Cash only please!
(Name withheld to protect the author)
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noted that the previous bill hadn't been paid.
The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Posted Wednesday, April 7, 2004 @ 05:56 PM
IMPORTANT HEALTH INFORMATION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass, a green leafy vegetable. And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal or mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.,
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO .... Cocoa beans. another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie...
One more thing... "When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt
(And besides, a cookie in each hand is a balanced diet! )
One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new.
“No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”
(Yeah, those two guys were beside themselves!)
First Golfer: "I have the greatest golf ball in the world. You can't lose it."
Second Golfer: "How so?"
First Golfer: "If you hit it into the sand, it beeps. Hit it into the water, it floats. If you want to play golf at night, it glows."
Second golfer: "Wow, that does sound like a great ball. Where'd you get it?"
First golfer: "Found it in the woods."
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that.
(Keep in mind, the grass is always greener over the septic tank.)
Posted Sunday, May 16, 2004 @ 04:56 AM
From NETSCAPE'S WHAT'S NEW.
The No. 1 Most Irritating Cliché
We hear them 24/7. But at the end of the day, which cliché makes you want to scream? With all due respect, figuring this out is not rocket science. At least, that's what a group called the Plain English Campaign thought. Led by John Lister, it surveyed more than 5,000 English-speaking people in 70 countries to determine the most annoying clichés of all time.
And the No. 1 most annoying cliché is: "at the end of the day."
And that is so right! There is nothing more annoying than a serious business executive standing before a room of bored employees droning on about "at the end of the day....blah blah blah." Folks just stop listening when those words are uttered. Which is exactly Lister's point about clichés. "When readers or listeners come across these tired expressions, they start tuning out and completely miss the message--assuming there is one," he told The Associated Press. "Using these terms in daily business is about as professional as wearing a novelty tie or having a wacky ringtone on your phone." Since he surveyed people in 70 countries, Lister expected geographical variations. He was surprised. The same tired old phrases are universally annoying around the world.
The Most Irritating Clichés:
1. At the end of the day
2. At this moment in time
3. The constant use of "like," as if it were a form of punctuation
4. With all due respect
Irritating Cliché Runners-Up:
--address the issue
--bear with me
--between a rock and a hard place
--glass half full (or half empty)
--I hear what you're saying
--in terms of
--it's not rocket science
--move the goal posts
--on a weekly basis
--singing from the same hymn sheet
--the fact of the matter is
--thinking outside the box
--to be honest with you
The reason why is because...
and if not, why so?
An Example Of Good Writing
WE MUST absolutely address the issue about THE awesome ballpark figure. bear with me, WE ARE between a rock and a hard place AND MUST GET OUT OF THIS WITH blue-sky thinking ABOUT THE bottom line. WE MUST SEND crack troops TO THINK ABOUT WHETHER THE glass half full (or half empty). I hear what you're saying in terms of THE FACT THAT it's not rocket science, literally. WE MUST move the goal posts on a weekly basis IN OUR ongoing EFFORTS TO BE singing from the same hymn sheet.
the fact of the matter is THAT WE ARE thinking outside the box. to be honest with you, WE MUST touch base REGULARLY, IN FACT WE MUST DO SO --24/7
Well, let's run it up the flag pole and see if anyone salutes.
Have your people call mine and we'll do lunch.
Yeah, using phrases like those would be like being out on a limb up a tree without a paddle!
Four Jack Rabbits are strolling in the prairie. Out of nowhere, a gang of coyotes begins to chase them. So the rabbits run under a huge cactus for refuge.
Then the hungry coyotes surround the cactus. One jack rabbit says to another, "Okay, should we make a run for it, or wait till we outnumber them?"
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables hanging around his neck.
The bartender gives him a look and says gruffly, "All right, pal, I'll let you stay, but don't start anything."
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age, experience, and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time!