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Chronic...
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A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old ladies were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman said.

The State Police officer, chuckling, explained to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken," the officer asked.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

*****
 
Posts: 9933 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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(Ah, one of those ID ten T errors.)
 
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Question: Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Answer: Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

(Well, hot dog!)
 
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Home » Politically Incorrect » Root

Excuse Me

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?"

*****
 
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What boots up must come down.
 
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Fax is stranger than fiction.
 
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Don't byte off more than you can view.
 
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The geek shall inherit the earth.
 
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The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
 
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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
 
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A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
 
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Hitchhiking on a dark night, a man sees a car coming toward him. When it stops, he hops in the passenger seat.

No one is behind the wheel. But, suddenly, the car starts moving. The man looks down the road and sees a curve coming up. He panics and reaches for the steering wheel. But then a hand reaches through the window and turns the wheel, smoothly navigating the turn. Paralyzed with terror, the man watches as the hand appears before every curve.

When the car finally coasts to a stop, the man gets out and runs to a bar and tells everybody about his amazing experience.

Pretty soon, two guys walk into the bar. "Look, Pete," one says, "it's the guy who got in the car while we were pushing it."

*****
 
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Two women were talking about their trips to Switzerland.

The first woman asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really", she replied. "I couldn't see much because of the mountains."

*****
 
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Two tour groups visited England. They happened to rent a double-decker bus, with one group downstairs and the other upstairs.

The downstairs group was singing and dancing and the group upstairs just sat there. Finally, one of the downstairs people went upstairs and asked why they weren't having as much fun.

"It's easy for you to relax and have fun," said one of the upstairs guys, "You have a driver."

*****
 
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A woman had just taken her driving test when a police car came up behind them, sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you ARE driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to the test examiner. "Does this mean I failed my test?", she asked.

*****
 
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If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
 
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If at first you don't succeed -- try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit until you have another job.

If you can read this, you're not working!
 
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Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.

Succeed in spite of management.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
 
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Patient: "My arm hurts when I do this."

Doc: "Then don't do that!"
 
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A guy walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.

The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the guy hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the guy returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41.

The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"

The guy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

--------------------
 
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On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students. He stressed one rule: "The female dorm is off-limits for male students and the male dorm for females. Anyone who breaks this rule will be fined $20. Anyone caught a second time will be fined $60. Third offense, $180. Any questions? A young man raised his hand and asked "How much is a season pass?"

(Say, you don't suppose that guy was missing the point of the rule, do you? )
 
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Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball and got a hole in one. The other man said, "Now I'll take my practice swing, and then we'll start the game."

...

( Hope that guy had a spare pair of pants on hand! )

( FORE! )

( Five? )
 
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Some sports team names inspire fear, like the Detroit Tigers. Others inspire head scratching, like the Chicago White Sox--their socks are white, so what? Suggested names for future teams around the globe:

Czech Republic: The Prague Tologists
Taiwan: The Taipei Personalities
India: The Delhi Contestants
Bolivia: The Bolivia de Havillands

(From Reader's Digest. I guess somebody went to the library after lunch. )
 
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What did one DNA say to another DNA?

Answer: "Do these genes make me look fat?"

(Not that I can see!)
 
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