An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
(I can't see that, either!)
There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
''Starboard is right, port is left.''
I'd Like A Coke Please
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
Lawyers are leaving their mark everywhere. Today at the aquarium there was a sign that said "Alleged Killer Whale".
(I dunno; I don't see the porpoise in that.)
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the league records were destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(Yeah, I guess if there were records, those would have tolled us!)
Two dogs were out for a walk. One dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute. I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs a fire hydrant for about a minute, then rejoins his friend.
"What was that all about?" the other dog asks.
"Just checking my messages."
(Smell O gram?)
What kind of nut do you want?
The Scandinavian electronics company Electrolux tried to sell its vacuum cleaner here in the United States by telling Americans, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Then there's Chevrolet trying to sell their Novas in Mexico.
In Spanish "Nova" means something like "It don't go".
THE BEST OF THE WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES:
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With A '10' And Woke Up At 10 With A '2'
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass This Heart
23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
(Disclaimer: I haven't personally verified that each of the above was ever actually a song title. )
It was a really hot day. The drunk decided that maybe he should lay off the alcohol, so he went to a vending machine to buy a soda. He put some change in and a can came out. The drunk popped a few more coins into the slot and another can rolled down. Excited, he continued to feed the machine.
Pretty soon, a line formed behind him. Finally, a woman yelled, "Hurry Up! We're all hot and thirsty."
"No way," he said. "I'm still winning."
Astronaut to crewmates: "Are we there yet?"
A Cat In Heaven
One day, a cat died of natural causes and went to Shinning Isle, where she met the Goddess, Mother of all things.
The Lady said to the cat, "Daughter of Bast, if there is any way I can make your stay in Summerlands more pleasant, please let me know."
The cat thought for a moment and said, "Gracious Lady, I have had good life, the humans I lived with were loving to me, but they were a poor family, and I had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Queen of the Shinning Isle smiled, and a soft, fully pillow appeared in snuggly catbox.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them went to the afterlife. Again, the Gracious Goddess who gives joy was there to greet the little mice. She asked them if there was any thing they wished. The mice answered all at once, squeeking, Skates! Skates! We want rollerskates! We've been chased and terrorized by dogs, owls, women with brooms, cats, farm equipment! Running, running, running; we're tired of running. We want skates!"
Somewhat amused, the Goddess answered, "If you wish." Each mouse was fitted instantly with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, it pleased the Goddess to walk among the trees of the orchard on the Shining Isle. She passed by the snuggly cat box and found the tabby snoozing on the pillow.
The Lady gently wakes the cat and asks her, "How are things since you got here?"
The cat stretched and yawned, then replied, "It is wonderful here." Purring happily, she continued, "Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
( Meow. SQUEEK! )
Rules to live by......(1/3)
* Indecision is the key to flexibility. [Procrastinate NOW!]
* You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. [Choo]
* There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. [RTFM?]
* Happiness is merely the remission of pain. [!hcuo]
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. [And neither is deja vu!]
* Sometimes too much to drink is not enough. [Burp!]
* The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
* Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. [And isn't in corporate management]
Rules to live by......(2/3)
* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. [Deja vu, again?]
* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. [KISS!]
* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. [Just ask any superhero!]
* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. [Quantum mechanics?]
* If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. [Haven't had time.]
* All things being equal, fat people use more soap. [But are things ever equal?]
* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. [Baaa!]
* One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. [Dang!]
Rules to live by......(3/3)
* By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends. [But the check is in the mail?]
* There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. [Stupid is as stupid does?]
* This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it. [Just ask Murphy.]
* Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. [Oink!]
* No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
* Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
* Never pass a snow plow on the right. [Also, don't eat yellow snow]
* Eschew unnecessary redundant obfuscation. [Gesundheit!]
Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")
Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.
All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.
Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"
I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!
The Bill Gates Song
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song")
Netscape roasting on an open fire,
Apple begging on its knees,
Photo popping up on Time magazine,
Yes, Bill Gates dreams of days like these!
Everybody knows he's never fully satisfied,
Throws himself behind each task,
World dominion is his company's goal.
Well, hey, is that so much to ask?
He knows the world is in his sway,
We'll buy whatever software he might toss our way,
We'll surf his Internet, watch his TV,
He'll take us anywhere we ask him--for a fee.
And so we're offering this simple prayer,
To Bill and all his MS grunts:
Since we all follow any standard you write,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please,
Make it good, please, just once!
Did you hear the one about "Ole talks with God"?
Ole was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up strong drink."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Ole looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one!"
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells" starting with "dashing thru the snow...")
Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!
Comes on ten CDs,
Word is fine, but jeez--
60 megs of RAM?!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!
Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!
I'm Dreaming of a Clean System
(to the tune of "White Christmas")
I'm dreaming of a clean System,
Something that fits on one CD.
Each component matches,
Not bits and patches,
I'm longing for a dream System,
Small, stable, fast, and trouble-free.
What we want, I think you'll agree,
Is called System 6-point-oh-3!
Prove It's So!
(to the tune of "Let It Snow")
Oh, the papers say Apple's dying,
But before we start good-byeing,
We should call them all up and go,
"Prove it's so! Prove it's so! Prove it's so!"
They say "Mac OS software's scarcer."
We say, "Read those numbers, there, sir,
Sales continued this year to grow.
There ya go, there ya go, there ya go!"
When they tell us Win 95
Made the Mac's famed advantages ebb,
We'll say, "Why, then, do Macs now drive
60 percent of the Web?"
We can win our PR reversal--
Make the Mac be universal--
Though we may have some years to go,
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (1 of 4)
The Expanded Dilbert vocabulary:
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ****s over everything and then leaves.
Blowing your buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (2 of 4)
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career-limiting move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (3 of 4)
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located. Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man.
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Subject: Dilbert Dictionary (4 of 4)
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in This is Dale, my... um... friend.
Yuppie Food Stamps - the ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps.