My karma ran over your dogma.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Don't say bald - say combing impaired.
Optimistic - even in the face of reality.
Attitudes are the biggest disability.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
"Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
All we are saying is give peas a chance.
Mend your fuelish ways.
Eschew obfuscation. [gesundheit!]
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........
and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: ---- ------
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
1. Why is it called the Minute Waltz when it lasts a minute and 49 seconds?
[Gimme a second for that one]
2. How do you write "zero" in Roman Numerals?
[Immigrate to Arabia?]
3. If you sneeze when you are alone should you "God Bless" yourself?
[Or would that be blasphemy?]
4. With four legs does my dog get twice as much exercise as I do or half as much?
5. Does the Invisible Man have a picture on his driver's license?
[I haven't seen one]
6. Why doesn't Mona Lisa have eyebrows?
[The artist didn't get a round to it?]
7. Why do fans sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they are already there?
[Cause they're having a ball?]
8. How can you make a perfect sandwich with round bologna and square bread?
9. If the pen is mightier than the sword and a picture is worth a thousand words, what would a picture of a sword be worth?
[Whatever the pen writes on the check?]
10. If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?
[What would Tarzan do without them?]
11. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow signs?
[I have no i deer.]
12. Can my vegan daughter eat animal crackers?
[As long as nobody is looking.]
13. Why does the word "snow" have a "w" in it?
14. How can a chocolate doughnut get to be a day old?
[Just lucky I guess.]
15. If Police arrest a Mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?
[And do they need a cell to hold him, if mimes think there are walls everywhere?]
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
18. If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing what is a lot of ignorance?
[The same thing looked at from a different angle.]
19. Do they lock gas station bathrooms because they are afraid someone will clean them?
[There is nothing to fear but fear itself! And don't squeeze the Charmin! ]
20. How did "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?
[Maybe they were put there before the grass grew?]
21. Why don't we ever see a headline that reads, "psychic Wins Lottery?
[If it's a short psychic on the lam, is it a small medium at large?]
22. Why don't sheep shrink?
[Because they're busy gathering wool. And counting each other to get to sleep.]
24. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
25. What is the speed of darkness?
[In what units?]
26. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made from the same material?
[Cause passengers don't wanna be stuffed inside a black box?]
27. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?
[Because the scale was broken? ]
(Picard) 'Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?'
(Geordi) 'Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.'
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen)
(Riker looks puzzled) 'What the hell is 'Microsoft'?' (Data turns to answer) 'Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.'
(Picard) 'But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?'
(Data) 'Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually, all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.'
(Picard) 'Excellent work. This is even better than the 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.'
......15 minutes later.......
(Data) 'Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'.
(Geordi) 'Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for the increase.'
(Picard) 'Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.'
(Data) 'Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
(Riker) 'Captain, we have no choice. We should begin evacuation.'
(Geordi, excited) Wait! I just detected their CPU capacity dropped to 0%!'
(Data looks at scanners) Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all of their CPU capacity.'
(Geordi) 'As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, our closest deep space monitor beacon transmits more 'windows' modules from something called 'The Microsoft Fun Pack.'
(Picard) How much time will that buy us?'
(Data) A time span of more than 6 hours, sir.'
(Geordi) 'Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.'
(Data) 'It appears to have the markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.'
(Over the speakers) 'THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER. YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS.' (ship releases thousands of humanoid shaped objects towards the Borg cube.)
(Picard) 'My God! They're lawyers! How are they surviving?
(Data) 'They're wearing Armani; I find seeing lawyers odd. They were all hurled into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.'
(Riker) 'They're surrounding the ship and covering it will all kinds of papers.'
(Picard) I believe it's called 'red tape'. Turn the viewer off; even the Borg don't deserve that.'
[I guess resistance really was futile, huh? ]
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
There is a merger in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Others in the works:
-3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
-John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
-Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
-Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
-3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
-Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
-Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
-Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
-Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
-Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da
Then there's the new rock group being formed by Ron Wood, Meat Loaf, & Roberta Flack to be called MeatWood Flack
Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions (1 of 4)
-Forget about your zodiac sign, what's your business sign?
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now.
Least compatible with Sales.
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions (2 of 4)
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions (3 of 4)
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
Subject: JOD: Job Descriptions (4 of 4)
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correlate directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are either brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems, such as the fax machine, suggests the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER
Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. Thus the term "GO POSTAL".
14) SERVICE TECHNICIAN
Would you like fries with that?
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
If someone thinks something is foolproof, they have underestimated the ingenuity of fools.
Subject: Classic Quotes (1 of 5)
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
* Lily Tomlin
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,'You'll never find anyone like me again.'
I'm thinking, I should hope not. If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
* Larry Miller
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Piton
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
* Robin Williams
Subject: Classic Quotes (2 of 5)
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
* Christopher Case
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
* Dick Cavett
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork? God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
* Jon Stewart
Subject: Classic Quotes (3 of 5)
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other."
* Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a Congressman."
* Bruce Baum
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
* David Letterman
Subject: Classic Quotes (4 of 5)
"It was a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
* Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
* Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
* Rita Mae Brown
[But, does that mean the 4th one doesn't have it, or that they're enjoying it?]
Subject: Classic Quotes (5 of 5)
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
* Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
* Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
* Johnny Carson
"If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
* Will Rogers (1879-1935)
Signs That You've Had TOO MUCH Of The 90's
* You try to enter your password on the microwave.
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
* You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, he E-Mails you back "What's for dinner?"
* Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
* You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your E-Mail buddies via a Web page.
* Your daughter just bought on CD all the records your college roommate used to play that you most despised.
* Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
* You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
* Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via E-Mail instead of in person.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Southern Computer Glossary (1/4)
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick
Byte - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro
Cache - Needed when you run out of food stamps
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
Southern Computer Glossary (2/4)
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers
Diskette - Female Disco dancer
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
Southern Computer Glossary (3/4)
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tatoos
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers
Modem - What ya do when the grass gets too high
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live