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______Press Release from the Future______

Today, independent researchers and developers announced the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected, switched on, or recharged. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a floppy disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting though, like other display devices, it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

["Beer bad" - Xander Harris said so! While working as a bartender!]

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Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

[Waste is a terrible thing to mind... ]

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's religious education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

*****

[Where's Mathew Broderick when you need him, huh? ]
 
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In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS.

Unfortunately, the woman wasn't home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor.

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's because" the sales lady says. "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's..."

*****

[Yeah, that Barbie! She can be a real doll, huh? Ken you dig it?]
 
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One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 pounds!"

*****

[Is that the poop the whole poop and nothing but the poop? ]
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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No stream rises higher than its source.

Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

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If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.

Lin Yutang

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If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.

Leo Rosten

*****
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

[Or there's the Henny Youngman version... ]

*****
 
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Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

*****
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

*****
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

*****
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

*****
 
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Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.

On a Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push"

Non-smoking area:
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I am what I am, said Abraham.
To do is to desire, said Siddharta.
I will do it, said Jesus.
Do it or die, said Mohammed.
To be or not to be, said Shakespeare.
To do is to be, said Nietzsche.
To be is to do, said Sartre.
Do be do be do, said Sinatra.
Yaba daba doo, said Flintstone.

*****
I yam what I yam, said Popeye.

[But then he had a salad for dinner.]

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Beauty Shop:
Dye now!

[But if it's called a "permanent", why do you have to get another one in a few months? ]

Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

[Like the old computer saying, GIGO? ]

Computer Store:
Out for a quick byte.

[Or at least a couple of nibbles! ]

Diner Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

[More than a couple of nibbles! ]

Music Library:
Bach in a minuet.

[TTFN]
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Daily Affirmations for the Unstable (1 of 3):

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. [Grumble grumble]

*****
 
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Daily Affirmations for the Unstable (2 of 3):

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. [Which is most of them, right?]

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too. [Joan of Arc? Wasn't that Noah's wife?]

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. [OTOH, forgiving one's enemies is one way to annoy them!]

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. [Like a pizza?]

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Daily Affirmations for the Unstable (3 of 3):

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom. [Never mind the TV - what about the computer?!?]

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone. [Hey, you!]

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future? [Don't you just hate temporal mechanics?]

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. [BWAHAHAHAHAHAHa... ha?]

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. [Yeah, life isn't long enough to make all the mistakes yourself!]

*****
 
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If stewpidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Will Rogers (1879-1935)

*****

If people really liked to work, we'd still be plowing the land with sticks and transporting goods on our backs.

Eilliam Feather

*****

Sears has announced that it is closing all its cosmetic counters at its retail stores.

It turns out that women weren't going for that Sears Weather Beater mascara.

-- Jay Leno

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened....
-------------------------------------
The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The pediatricians said, "Grow up."

The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And the HMOs killed it...

*****
 
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If the king's english was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!

Ma Ferguson, Former Governor of Texas

*****
WHO MAKES THE COFFEE?
Did you know women aren't supposed to make coffee?

Yup, it's in the Bible.

It says . . .

"Hebrews!"

*****
 
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Kids on...

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

*****
 
Posts: 10009 | Location: Colorado | Mbr Since: 10-17-2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Kids on...

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

*****
 
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Kids on...

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."

"What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

*****
 
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Who's on first... Abbott and Costello meet the 21st century:

Hello, this is the Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?

Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

Mac?

No, the name is Bud.

Your computer?

I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

Mac?

I told you, my name is Bud.

What about Windows?

Why? Does it get stuffy?

Do you want a computer with Windows?

I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

Wallpaper.

Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Software that runs on Windows?

No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write; proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

Office.

Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

I just did.

You just did what?

Recommended something.

You recommended something?

Yes.

For my office?

Yes.

Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

Office.

Yes, for my office.

Office for Windows.

I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Word.

If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?

Word.

What word?

The Word in Office.

The only word in office is office?

The Word in Office for Windows.

Which word in "office for windows?"

The Word you get when you click the blue W.

I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

RealOne.

Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?

RealOne.

If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

Of course.

Great! With what?

RealOne.

Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

You click the blue 1.

I click the blue one what?

The blue 1.

Is that different from the blue W?

Of course it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

What word?

The Word in Office for Windows.

But there's three words in "office for windows!"

No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

It is?

Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

And that word is the real one?

No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

Money .

That's right. What do you have?

Money.

I need money to track my money?

No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

What comes bundled with my computer?

Money.

Money comes bundled with my computer?

Exactly. No extra charge.

I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?

Just one copy.

I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

Microsoft can license you to make money?

Why not? They own it.

Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

Well, what do you sell in its place?

Money.

You sell money?

Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

Simply Accounting.

Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

Mind Your Own Business.

I beg your pardon?

No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.

Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

More money?

More than Money. Money can't do everything.

I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment.

I'm worried that my computer might... what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

GoBack.

Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

GoBack.

How many times do I have to repeat myself?

I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.

What do I need to write a proposal?

Word.

But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

But there's three words in... Oh, never mind.

Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.

Hello, Ultimate Computer Store. Can I help you?

*****
 
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The closed mouth gathers no foot.

Tis better to keep the mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Eschew obfuscation. (Except when it's funny.)

*****
 
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If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought.

Dennis Roch

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On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late at Almighty God Tabernacle, his church, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.

When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer."

The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, "God, if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now. At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer."

*****
 
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