|Never goes away...|
Go to your room! Groan ...
And let the chips fall where they may?
|Never goes away...|
That sounds a bit fishy!
Moses was preparing to write down the history of creation that God had just revealed to him.
Aaron (his accountant) says to Moses, what ARE you doing?? Don't you know the price of papyrus? We can't afford the amount of that stuff we'd need if you include every little thing!
Moses to Aaron: But God told me all this, we have to share it, don't we?
Aaron: We can't afford the papyrus for 16 billion years of prehistory.
Moses: Well, what can we afford?
Aaron: One week.
Moses: A week???? (sigh) Well, if that's all we can manage, I guess I'll have to leave out a few things. Trilobites. Dinosaurs. Continental drift. (sigh).
(Price of papyrus? He should thank God he didn't have to buy ink for a printer! )
2. A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
3. A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"
4. Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
5. Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
7. A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
8. A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
9. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
10. At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
RABBI, HIS SON, & THE CAR
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The rabbi said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went".
Idiots in service
> > >
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future outages by email
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
> > >
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
> > >
|Never goes away...|
We’ve done both, although the phone company wanted a phone number so they could call me, before cell phones. I politely told them that if they’d fix the line they could call that number as I had no other method for them to call.
When the phone line was cut, they tested the line and said it was fine. I called them back and told them that they needed to send someone out to repair the line. I was asked why I was so sure the line was cut to which I replied that I had left the end of the line hanging in the tree so it was either cut or it rotten in two. (The development was new) I was assured that they don’t rot but she seemed reluctant to agree it was cut. She finally agreed to send someone! Geez.
A Texas Aggie was down on his luck and needed some cash, so he headed for the rich part of town to see if he could pick up some odd jobs.
Knocking on the door of a palatial mansion, a televangelist answered. After hearing the Aggie's pitch the televangelist said, "I was just getting ready to paint my porch. The materials are all ready to go in back. I'll pay you $25." Agreeing, the Aggie headed for the back.
The TV preacher then walked back inside, laughing to himself about how he'd conned an Aggie into painting the porch, at least a two day job, for $25.
A half hour later the Aggie rang the bell and said he was finished. When asked how he'd finished so quickly, he replied that it wasn't that big of a job... and "by the way, that ain't a Porsche, it's a Mercedes!"
A group on nuns were traveling in a car when it got a flat tire. They got out and tried to change it, but being rather unworldly, did not know how to do it.
Luckily, a truck came along and the male driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-*****," he yelled.
The eldest nun said to him, "That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-*****", he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus,! help me'".
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped.
He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself.
The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-*****!"
While the Fish Friar was out of town, that job was handled by the Frying Nun. (Played by Sally Field, of course.)
A handyman died and showed up at the Pearly Gates. After looking through the book the angel said, "sorry, your name's not here. The one-way downward staircase is right over there."
Now in hell the handyman commented how hot it was to the devil. "Of course it's hot! This is hell" he replied. The handyman went on to tell how good he was with tools. He could put in an ice machine, swimming pool, and air conditioner. "Go for it!" the devil gleefully said.
At the top of the stairs the angel heard the screaming stop, and called the devil on the phone. The devil told him how they were all sitting around the pool, sipping umbrella drinks, enjoying hell's new pleasures. The angel said, "No, you're all supposed to be in torment. Rip all that stuff out and send the handyman back up here."
"Nope" the devil replied. "We have plans. Maybe a home theater." "Look" said the angel, "if you don't send the handyman back, I'll sue."
The devil answered, "Now where will YOU ever find a lawyer?"
A millionaire was on his death bed... and was determined to take his money with him. He called his three closes friends to his side, a preacher, a doctor, and a lawyer, and said these words.
"Gentlemen, I want to take it with me. I'd planned to fill my coffin with $100 bills, but I can't because my family is a bunch of crooks. During the viewing they'd help themselves to the money, and I know the coffin would hold nothing except my body by burial time.
Instead I've put the cash into these three briefcases. I'm giving one to each of you. Hold onto them until just before they're ready to lower me in and shovel in the dirt. Pop the lid on the casket, put the briefcases in, and watch them finish the job. You're my three closest friends. I'm depending on you."
The three men told him he could count on them and took the briefcases. After the millionaire died they faithfully carried out his request, but as they walked away from the fresh grave the minister began to weep.
He confessed how he'd been overcome by temptation, and had put an empty briefcase into the coffin. The doctor told him not to be so hard on himself. He'd done the same thing. The lawyer began to berate them, reminding them how their friend had trusted them. How could they have done such a thing?
"You mean you didn't give into the temptation" they said?
"Oh I put in an empty briefcase too" said the lawyer. "But I included a check for the entire amount!"
That was originally a fellow Scot of mine.
He put in one cheque for the lot.
You'll know yours is a redneck church if:
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank. [That should make the grass greener in one place, anyway.]
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
Two beggars are sitting on a bench in Mexico City.
One man is holding a large cross and the other is holding a Star of David. Both are holding big hats to collect contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and, almost for spite, drop large amounts of money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David still empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man holding the Star of David and says, "Young man, don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." And he walks off.
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says "Moishe, can you imagine? This guy is trying to tell us how to run our business!"
( Oy vey! )
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down. [Hair today, gone tomorrow? ]
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. [And Mel Brooks took care of the other five! ]
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
(But at least that Nun guy didn't make a Habit of it! )
ADAM came home in the wee hours of the morning, and EVE was suspicious. "Is there someone else?" she demanded.
"Of course not, darling." Adam reasoned with her. "In all of creation, there's no other woman like you."
Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. But after he fell asleep, she very carefully counted his ribs.
A priest and rabbi, who lived across from each other, decided to by a car together to help cut their transportation costs around town. They went out to look the car over when it was delivered. The priest came out with some holy water and blessed the car. The rabbi thought a minute, went back into his house, returned with a hacksaw and cut two inches off the tail pipe.
THE 2nd TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.
2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.
3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.
4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.
5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.
6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.
7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!
8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear different ideas from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.
9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.
10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
A minister had three sons, and one had knocked over the outhouse. This made the minister furious. He spent hours in there, praying, writing sermons, kind of a second study ... and now it was on its side.
He asked each boy whether he'd knocked over the outhouse, and each denied it.
So he said, "Boys, when George Washington was a little boy he took his little red hatchet and chopped down his father's cherry tree. When asked about it he said, 'I cannot tell a lie, I did it with my little red hatchet.' Because he told the truth, he wasn't punished. Now, which of you knocked over my outhouse?"
The youngest boy bowed his head and said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I knocked over your outhouse." Hearing this the minister grounded him for months, with lots of chores.
Tearfully the boy said "Daddy, what about George Washington?" The minister said, "Boy, George's daddy wasn't sitting in that tree when George chopped it down!"
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would livelong and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's.
And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable television with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.
(The devil you say!!! )
An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, how's about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!". He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold Coke too.
As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire.
"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has!"
A car full of people was going down the road and soon it went into a tunnel. Everybody started screaming. Later they all went to a shrink to try to figure out why they all were afraid when they went into the tunnel. The Psych said it was an easy case. They were all suffering from car full tunnel syndrome.
[But at least it's Friday! ]
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
[As long as it's not a tunnel! Or is there a hole in that theory? ]