A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.
Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?"
The girl replied, "I don't know. I haven't eaten one yet."
(I guess she's not from Melmac! )
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
-- Batman Costume warning label
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
-- Lee Iacocca
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.
-- Plato (427-347 B.C.)
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you want to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. (Alex Levine)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. (Ed Furgol)
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. (Spike Milligan)
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. (Henny Youngman)
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. (Mark Twain)
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)
Douglas Adams Trinkets "A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.' (Joe Namath)
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. (George Burns)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. (Mark Twain)
At my age flowers scare me. (George Burns)
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. (Herbert Henry Asquith)
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. (Lucille Ball)
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. (Bob Hope)
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. (W.C. Fields)
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. (W. C. Fields)
To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven. (Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882)
Southern interpretations of medical terms
1. Artery : The study of Paintings.
2. Barium : What Doctors do when patients die.
3. Caesarean Section : A neighborhood in Rome.
4. Cauterize : Made eye contact with her.
5. Colic : A sheep dog.
6. D & C : Where Washington is.
7. Dilate : To live long.
8. Enema : Not a friend.
9. Fibula : A small lie.
10. Genital : Not a Jew.
11. G.I. Series : Military Ball Game.
12. Impotent : Distinguished, well known.
13. Labour Pain : Getting hurt at work.
14. Morbid : A higher offer.
15. Nitrates : Cheaper than day rates.
16. Node : Was aware of.
17. Outpatient : A person who has fainted.
18. Pap Smear : Fatherhood Test.
19. Post Operative : Letter Carrier.
20. Recovery Room : Place to do upholstery.
21. Seizure : Roman Emperor.
22. Tablet : Small table.
23. Terminal Illness : Getting sick at the airport.
24. Urine : Opposite of "You're out".
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Then Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
A man told his buddy, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
His buddy asked, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
To which he replied, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
(There's the beef! What do you mean no moo of that?)
My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kay a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kay was at school, he disappeared again.
My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kay, my niece took the cage out of her room.
When Kay came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother's lap. "We have a serious problem," she announced. "Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage!"
Statements that will almost guarantee you won't get any!
"Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where's my dinner?"
"I know this is the fifth night in a row I've been out with the guys, but it's the Tyson fight."
"I know it's a 3-day golf weekend...we'll make love when I get back, OK?"
"Are you retaining water this week?"
"I was only kidding..."
"Are you feeling ok? You look like ****."
"Your best friend Debbie is such a *****!"
"I'll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?"
"You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today..."
"I don't really care for cats."
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, the cat began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived [all of them]."
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
(to be continued... )
Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest (continued)
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"
With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."
"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?"
-- Milton Berle
(I'll never tell! Er?)